High On Poker

At the end of last week, I joined my family for a trip down to Miami to see my cousin get married. Amazingly, the wedding was on a cruise ship, and about 100 of the guests stayed on the ship for the weekend cruise, me included. And where there is a cruise and international waters, you know gambling is following shortly behind.

On the first night of the cruise, I walked through the casino to get a lay of the land. There was a section of table games and one lower table with chairs all around it. As I neared it, I could identify it clearly. Texas Hold’em.

That first night, I wanted to play, but didn’t. After all, I was on a family vacation, and perhaps even moreso, on a vacation with wifey Kim, so it made perfect sense to abstain…at least at first.

Day Two, though, was slightly different. After returning to the boat from our day at the beach, wifey Kim and my sister-in-law decided to check out the Bingo game that was about to begin. I took that as my opportunity, and made my way to the casino. It was about 5pm or so, and the room was fairly empty.  Sadly, as I neared the poker table, it was entirely empty.

I asked around and found out the reason: poker starts at 7pm. Lord knows why. I then asked the logical next question, What time does the casino close? The answer: around 3am. And so, I had my window of opportunity.

What to do while I wait? -EV games? SURE!

First up was 3-card poker. I have a problem with -EV games. Mostly, its that it is IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN in the long run. Also, I hate bonus bets. Here’s a little hint: if the house is giving you a chance to win a bonus, it’s not because it makes the game more profitable for you.

3-card poker was ok. I lost about 30$ of my $100 before quitting. Just before I quit, a fellow wedding guest, who was playing the same table, hit his bonus for 20-1 odds on a $20 bonus bet. He had been betting $5 regularly on the bonus, and had increased it on that particular hand on a hunch. Good for him!, I thought, and then realized that he had just used up all of the table’s luck on that one hand. Color up!

Next up, 5-card Caribbean Stud. This game is utterly mindless. While I continued to bleed chips, my brother Keith walked up. He was checking out the action, when I heard the word “tournament” from across the room. I immediately turned around to Keith, “Dude, can you do some recon? Check out what the deal is with the tournament?” After all, I didn’t want to leave my rivetting Caribbean Stud game. He walked across the casino floor before coming back. There was a $20 buy-in Blackjack tournament about to start. The only problem was that there were barely any entrants. That’s no problem for me.

I promptly lost my hand at Stud and then packed up my chips. I bought in at the cage for $20 and then grabbed one of the few empty seats at the blackjack tournament table. “This is my first time playing a blackjack tournament,” I told the crowd. “Let’s hope for some beginner’s luck.”

The 1 seat was a middle-aged white woman with blonde hair. Next to her was an old couple who looked to be from Eastern Europe. Then came me. To my immediate left, well, I couldn’t tell you. I can’t even remember the person. But the next two people were guys in their early 30s, the last of which had some UK accent (Irish?).

This was truly my first blackjack tournament, so I asked about the rules. Basically, each table (assuming multiple tables) play a certain number of hands. At the end of the hands, the player(s) with the most chips advance to the final table.

Since we were short on players, we were already at the final table. Players were given 500 chips, each, for betting. A dealer button moved each hand to indicate who would start the wagering. Position matters, but I’ll explain more about this in a moment. Players can only wager up to 500 on a hand, so even if you win your first hand for 200, leaving you with 700, the most you can bet on the next hand is 500.

We were to play 7 hands total, which I now realize was likely because we were 7-handed, so each player would get position once. In the first hand, the Blonde woman bet something like 100. The two old people, though, were not futzing around, and put all of their chips into the betting circle. I decided to go with a conservative stance, since 2 players may be eliminated on the very first hand. I think I bet the bare minimum of 25. I didn’t even register what the rest of the table did.

I don’t recall how things went exactly, but the old man was out on the first hand, and the old lady pushed. I think I won that first hand for 50, after doubling down.

On the second hand, the old lady put all of her money into the middle again. I decided to raise my bet to 200, since I didn’t want to get too far behind the crowd, in case we all got paid. If I remember correctly, I got a 20 and got paid. The old lady busted, leaving four of us. The Irish anchor, meanwhile, seemed to have gained some chips in the first few hands, leading me to make a play in the next one.

In hand 3, I put out 400, leaving me enough behind to potentially make a comeback, if necessary. I ended up hitting blackjack, which I think paid 2-to-1 in a tournament. Suddenly, I was on a roll.

Hand 4 started and I decided to drop my bet down. I think I was in the lead thanks to the blackjack and I wanted the other players to knock themselves out by chasing me. Not too surprisingly, I busted on the small bet. Irish Anchor won his hand, and was now about 400-800 less than me. I wasn’t sure what the etiquette was regarding chip counts, so I just eyed it.

When betting got to me on round 5, I had to consider my options. I decided to take matters into my own hands with a bet of 500. When it got to the Irish Anchor, he bet the minimum. The dealer offered to me, “It doesn’t matter what you did. He was going to do the opposite.” Ah, positional advantage.

As it turns out, positional advantage does not matter if you hit another blackjack. Which I did. BOOM! and CHOO CHOO!

There were two more hands, but they barely mattered. By the last hand, it was clear that I had won the tournament, so I bet the minimum. Irish Anchor had locked in 2nd place, so he did the same.

For my win, I was given $100 ($80 profit) and a t-shirt. The blonde in the 1seat had complained at the beginning of the tournament to the tournament director, “The winner gets a t-shirt right? Last time, I didn’t get no t-shirt. There’s a t-shirt, right?!” She was damn insistent. Upon winning, I handed her the rinky-dink t-shirt. After all, what was I going to do with the rag. She was surprised by my ‘generosity’ and at first insisted that she could not take it. I simply answered, “Look, if it weren’t for you, there probably wouldn’t have even been a t-shirt awarded. You keep the shirt. I’ll keep the money.” I’m so sweet!

After wining the tournament, I met up with wifey Kim and had dinner. Later in the evening, some time after midnight, wifey Kim was ready to call it a night. And I was ready to play poker!

The poker table was in full swing, with all seats taken and one or two people standing by the table. I added my name to the “list” a clipboard hidden away by the dealer. About 15 minutes later, a couple of guys walked, and I got my seat.

Let me just say that I have never played an easier game than the one held in the cruise ship’s casino. I tried to explain it to my Great Aunt at breakfast, “In Vegas, you look for the table filled with tourists, having fun. In general, its a great place to play, but you have to avoid the table of locals, who are just going to fold for the benefit of the $1 comp. On the cruiseship…there are no locals. Just pure tourists, many with no idea what they are doing. To them, its like, “Hey why not? I’m on a cruise. I just swam with some dolphins. I just ate a big steak. I’ve been drinking alcohol in hollowed out pineapples all day. Why not play some poker?”

Now, that’s not to say that I was 100% going to win. These players were willing to call with anything, so I needed to focus on hand selection, especially since I was playing with my last $200 in cash.

The game was 2/5 NL, with a minimum buy-in of $100. It was probably already 1am or later when I sat down, yet there were no real deep stacks.

Admittedly, I was a tad drunk. It was, after all, a cruise. I had already eyed the action while waiting and decided to simply play tight until I could find an opportunity to make some money. In the end, I only had two significant hands. Two was enough, though.

Before the first significant hand, I had been watching the players intently, trying to get a feel for who knew what. The guy on my immediate left was obviously a seasoned player, white, middle-aged, skinny, with graying, tight-cropped hair and a beard. The other decent player was on my immediate right, a white kid, probably in his mid twenties, scrawny, with a ball cap and the classic, new-age, online poker player look.

I made friends with my neighbors, both in an effort to get info on the table and to build camaraderie I could trade on later. We grumbled about how some players, particularly an old man in the 6 seat (I was in the 2 seat), played any two cards like it was the lotto. Or how the 10 seat was very aggressive, raising on most hands.

We grumbled together, but internally, I was licking my chops.

I won my first pot with K3o, and a King-high flop. I was in the blinds, so I checked the flop, figuring one of the four players yet to act had a better King. When it checked around, I bet small on the turn and river to eke out a small pot with my top pair hand.

I continued to fold as I watched the players butt heads with crap cards. I find one of the most difficult things to do is to adjust your expectation of other players hand strengths. I may see a player make a bad play with shit cards, but I still hesitate to accept that, yeah, they are almost ALWAYS playing shit cards (in a game like this).

It didn’t matter, though, when I was dealt AA in EP. I was mildly worried about a suckout, but it was now or never. I was probably a tad below even at this point.

There were about three limpers. When it got to me, I raised to $25 or 30. I knew I would get action from these donks. The old guy in the 7seat pushed all-in for about $60. The 10 seat called, and I moved all-in for the rest of my stack. The 10 seat called again and we saw the flop, AJ4. The turn was another 4, giving me a full house. The river was another 4, as well.

The old man tabled his hand, KJo. The 10 seat tabled his hand triumphantly, announcing, “Full house!” My hand was already face up, and the 10 seat announced, “Chop it up! We both have full houses.” I had to interrupt. “Look again, guy.” The leader finally noticed. “Aces full of fours!” the pot was pushed my way. I was up about $300.

The only other significant hand I had was against the old guy again. I don’t recall all of the action, but in the end, he was all-in against me preflop, with his Q7d vs. my AKo. The flop had a 7 and he doubled up with his $57 stack.

By the time 3am rolled around, things were going nuts. The 10seat’s friend joined us and was playing most hands blinds for an all-in. I waited to get cards, but nothing happened. I even had to remind some of these players of certain rules, like don’t tell another player what to do when it is his turn, “You got to call that, man!” This was a mistake, as the same culprits turned on me and alleged that they were doing nothing wrong. That’s when I realized that when you are playing a pickup game of basketball, you don’t call all the same fouls as you do in an intramural league…and this was as close to a pickup game of miscreants as one could ever hope to find. Lesson learned, I shut my trap and waited to trap.

When I cashed out, I was up $218. It wasn’t a huge sum, but it was double my buy-in at a table where I could not rebuy without exorbitant ATM fees.

If I could bottle the craziness and poor play that was cruise poker, I’d be a rich, rich man. If I had to choose any venue for poker off the top of my head, it would have to be a boat (assuming low stakes). Every player was fishier than the next. Even the “decent” players seemed weak.

Alas, most of my poker is on dry land.

One last quick story. It seems even when I won, it was never enough. One night at dinner, my mother found me and asked, “Is it true? Did you win the blackjack tournament?” I answered, “Yep,” to which she added, “…and won $7,000!” WHAT?! Um, no, mom. It was $80 profit. I guess rumors were spreading.

The next night at dinner, I was called over to my aunt’s table. Her brother (other side of the family) saw me playing poker and asked how I did. “Up $218.” He replied, “WHAT? I saw you take that huge pot with the Aces. That was like $500 right there.” Well, excuse me, but $200 of that $500 was mine to begin with, guy.

Until next time, make mine poker!