High On Poker

Wifey Kim and I flew to Chicago on two free flights we earned through ThankYou.com and Citibank. On our flight to Chicago, storm conditions resulted in a 5 hour delay, but at least our flight was not canceled. On the way home, though, we experienced what was easily the worst flight situation I ever experienced.

The first debacle arguably occurred before we even left for the airport. I was aware of weather reports of storms in NYC for some of the afternoon, so I checked United.com to see if our 3:05pm flight was delayed. As of 12:40pm, it was not, which was somewhat surprising to me. I had, on my own, checked to see if the incoming flights from NYC to Chicago were delayed, reasoning that the flight arriving in Chicago at 2:30 was likely the same plane that would take me back to NYC at 3:05. The 2:30 arriving plane was already delayed almost 2 hours, but since the 3:05 flight was marked as on time, I assumed that perhaps I was wrong about how the plane situation worked.

Wifey Kim took a train to the airport, which was easy enough. We arrived with about 90 minutes before the flight, which was utterly ideal…until we cleared security and learned that our flight was delayed. This began a series of delays, that culminated in a final departure time after 7pm.This was debacle #1. I knew about the delay before the god damn airline could figure it out.

Meanwhile, the 2pm flight from Chicago to NYC was delayed but got in the air, and the 5pm flight from Chicago to NYC was delayed but was still expected to leave before our delayed 3pm flight. And then…our flight was canceled.

Ridiculous! There was a flight an hour before and two hours after that got out, but ours was canceled? It was sunny outside in Chicago and New York, but the airline claimed that it was canceled due to weather and air traffic control. BULLSHIT. It was likely canceled because they scheduled too many flights and then decided that they had to cut one. So, debacle #2, a canceled flight due to weather, even though a flight one hour before and two hours later got off without issue.

Wifey Kim and I got on the huge line at the customer service area while I simultaneously called United’s customer service line. I was told that the first flight available was for 9pm on Tuesday. I bargained with the Indian woman on the phone and arranged for a flight leaving around 10am from Chicago, connecting through Cincinatti, to Newark, instead of the direct flight to LaGuardia I had planned. Debacle #3, no decent flight options to get me home before my 9:30 am court hearing on Tuesday.

While we waited, a woman was walking down the line handing out vouchers. We explained her situation and she gave us a voucher…for discounts on hotels. Not a free room. Not free food. Discounts! And the discount amounted to $40 after I compared the rates online. The reason why we were not getting a free room: the flight was canceled due to weather. LIARS! Debacle #4, they make me pay about $100 for an overnight hotel room and offer me a pittance of a discount for the inconvenience.

The next morning, when we returned to the airport, we were dropped off at Terminal 2, where our new flight was leaving. At the kiosk, the machine told me that I had to use the designated phone to speak with a customer service rep. I picked up the phone and an Indian woman told me that because my destination changed (not by choice!) I had to get a ticket from a ticket agent. Ok, only there were no ticket agents in the terminal! I had to rush with wifey Kim over to Terminal 1 just to speak to a goddamn human being, even though Untied had flights leaving from Terminal 2. Debacle #5, if you move my flight to another terminal and you force me to change destinations, don’t make me jump through hoops to get my tickets that YOU CHANGED!

At Terminal 1, I waited in a long line before being directed to a different long line for people in my situation. I finally got to the counter 45 minutes later and learned that for some reason, when my ID was put into the computer, the tickets that were associated were for “Scott” with final destination in Cincinatti. WTF! To be clear, I did not give any confirmation info, just my ID. How could my ID be associated with someone else’s tickets. Debacle #6.

30 minutes later, I had tickets. We made it to Cincinatti and then suffered an hour delay to NYC. The gate agent announced after an hour that he had no new information about the delay, but that he would start the boarding process. I got nervous we’d be stuck in the tarmac, so I asked the guy, “Are we really taking off?” His response: “Definitely. If we don’t get this plane to Newark, someone is going to die in New Jersey.”

So, the major lesson I learned is that if I want to fly United, I need to donate an organ to ensure timely service.

Until next time, United can suck my dick!

This all changed when